"Delete her number.
Stop ringing her. Stop messaging her. Stop making excuses to see her, to drop by her place.
Erase her name from memory. Remove yourself from her life, more completely than you would like but as completely as she deserves. Move on, so that you can allow her to also move on. When you close your eyes, you don’t get to see her face. Not anymore. You don’t get to think about her lips, the warm glow of her skin when she rests next to you, or how she squeezes your hand in her sleep. You are not allowed to remember the smell of her perfume, that she only drinks mint tea (with two dollops of honey), or that she loves you.
She loves you.
She has been in love with you for too long.
So, forget how she says your name. Forget how she calls your name. Forget how she screams your name. Forget that time you got sick and she stayed up with you all night, letting you lay your head in her lap and holding a cold compress to your forehead. Forget how her hair feels in your fingers. Forget how she looks in your sweatshirts.
Know only that she existed at one point in your life, but relinquish all hope that she could exist at another point — sometime in the future that you are unwilling to specify because you don’t know what you want. Yet. It is not fair for you to swoop in and out of her life as you choose. It is not fair for you to say that you are satisfied with “things as they are” and you will have time to “figure it out” later. Let her stop investing emotionally in you. Let her pour that love and care into the people who deserve her.
Don’t tell her that you think about her all the time. Don’t tell her that it bothers you to hear about her with other people, but that you’re willing to understand as long as she likes you more than them. Don’t tell her that this isn’t the right moment but that there will be a right moment. There is not going to be a right moment. She shouldn’t have to wait for the right moment.
Don’t tell her that you can’t handle ultimatums, that you don’t like the idea of finally adding finality to your relationship — whatever still remains of it.
What you are telling her is that you want to keep her on as an option, that you are taking her for granted, that you want to know she will be there, that you can depend on her at the end of the day. When you find that no one else has stuck around or that those who have are less interesting, less thoughtful, or less doggedly loyal to you.
Doggedly loyal to you.
That is what she has been to you, for you almost as long as you have known her: a constant emotional crutch, the guarantee of stability, a safety net while you reachvout to grasp objects that sparkle and shine far greater than she does. All that glitters is not gold, haven’t you heard?
She is fire. You are ice, and you are afraid that her slow burn will smolder your cool, hard demeanor. That’s what has driven your decisions, your actions all along: fear. You are a coward. You are a hypocrite. You are terrified to let her go, but you are afraid she is too good for you, that she could drive you wild, that you would choke on her flames. That she is too much for you to handle right now.
But if you choose not to love her now, you can’t choose to love her later."
"I’ve been broken, torn apart and lost. My only consolation was a piece of metal that I counted on for years to get me through the battles. Every time I would take a bullet to the heart a cold and lifeless piece of metal would be my comfort. Just a small scratch here and there was how it all began. Years later it was what I depended on. Nobody was able to even attempt to take them from me or else I would drop them like a ball in a playground. I treated razors better than I treated humans. Nobody could compare. It was my addiction, it was what took my pain away and made me forget about everything even for a second. Sadly to say, for years they were my world. More than 500 scars now cover what once was an innocent temple. Now 199 days/ 6 months and 19 days later not a single new found self inflicting wound upon my body. I finally found my new addiction. Something better than any blade something better than any slit on my skin. Finally after years of searching for anything that could take away my pain and clean up my blood without damaging me even more than I already was, searching for a soul that could help me sew up the pieces not just tape them together. I found him. My smile, my laugh, my sunshine, my armor, my thoughts, my heart. He’s taken control of my mind and switched it around in a way that my negativity gets turned off when he’s around me, when I feel his arms keeping me safe, when I hear his deep and intriguing voice that draws me closer to him. Everybody sees him as just an ordinary sweet guy but he’s more than that. He’s edgy, but sincere, polite but rude, invisible yet visible, shy but daring, soft hearted yet strong as bullet. When I doubt my self he gives me a reason to keep On going. He never gave up on me even when I just about gave up on myself. He’s the only person that has ever made me feel comfortable in my own skin."
"Be the type of child you would want to have."
"Since you were small you were taught to do what makes you happy, you were taught to do whatever makes you feel free and relieved. But they never taught you how to deal with the real world. You grew up thinking you lived in such a perfect society but never really realized how corrupt it really was. One day ya hear a knock on your door and it’s the real world calling your name. At such a young age it knocks you off your feet leaving you breathless and useless. You scream and plead at the top of your lungs for help but nobody comes to your rescue. The only help you find is in a rusty ol’ piece of metal; dragging it across your gentle skin watching the skin puff around it as the blood slowly builds up. And so it begins. Every tear shed, every thought kept in, every yell you couldn’t let out was shared against that new found addiction, your new best friend, the razor. You begin to spiral down into a deep desolation. Soon your smile fades and you don’t even recognize who stares back at you in your reflection. Years of many concealed fears and suppressed tears go by and you just lose yourself in the bitterness of your mind and the emptiness of your heart."
My mind wanders to places I don’t even know anymore. I want you to know so many things but I keep them buried deep down inside me. I’m up to the tip top of my head worth of worries. I let them eat me up because if I tell you I’ll explode. I’m getting filled with new bullshit to think of this every day. Is this a waste of time or is this something I need? Going 200 miles per hour driving into a wall and killing the thoughts circling me is what I need. This distance is becoming mental suicide. I’d rather have the short answer responses than no response at all, which is what I tend to get most of the time now.
Sit it an empty room and turn the lights off.
What do you see physically?
But when you open the eyes you have in your mind it’s a whole different story. That’s how this relationship is starting to feel like. In my mind I have how we used to be and now were completely opposite.
"Some fear death, others pray for it."
"Have you ever took a shit load of pills and woke up the next Morning like
“Oh I’m alive” like its such a disappointment"